First writing of the year.

Haven't been here since last year.... bad joke, I know. I'm stupid, I'm sorry.

How is 2015 looking so far? Mine seem to have started the way 2014 went on for the last month, I feel like a truck crushed me and someone tried to put me back together, but with some missing pieces and not everything its in it's place. It might not be clear or make a lot of sense, trust me, even for me it feel confusing.

Someone once told me that one of the reasons to keep going is love and when love is lost you have to rely on everything else, leaving a door open so it can return and make you happy again but what if love is not lost but still refuses to get in? what do you do then, because it freaking hurts as hell and it surely makes you feel like the world is pointless. What if love feels obligated to be inside when all it wants is to see the world and be free... nobody told me what to do in that situation. I'm sorry about the obvious depressive state that I might put you in, but as Olly Murs would say: Dear Darling please excuse my writing. 

That last weeks of 2014 were supposed to be the most exciting and happy ever, I was supposed to feel complete, with my family, my boyfriend, my career, and university finally over but instead it turned out to be one of the saddest, loneliest moments of my life. All I did was crying, fighting with the people I love and pushing everyone away from me, because I, apparently, hate being happy.

I feel like I screwed up every good thing and the ones that I didn't ruined, were also screwed up by life. So yeah, 2014 was not my best year. And the 3 days that 2015 has giving me so far, haven't been so good either. I even got mad at God for all the things happening around, but obviously is not really his fault, I just need someone to blame. 

I'm hoping for a much better year this time, I got some huge changes ahead of me and some big important life changing decisions to make and I'm hoping to know how to chose this time. Technically I should be ready but I don't feel quite there yet, only time will tell.