Hi,
This C is more personal, harder to understand, harder to live with...
This is how it goes,
a couple months ago my mom started to feel a lot of pain on her back, but we didn't pay to much attention, she took some painkillers and that was it. Then a month and a half ago, the pain was getting worst and worst, so we went to see a doctor, he gave her more painkillers and told her to get some x-ray, so she did it, and the results were strange... So the doctor order more things, and we got a result, probably the worst result ever, my mom, the most important person in my life, was diagnosed with cancer.
At first I was so scared, I cried every night for two weeks, the idea of losing her, of my mom dying ... I felt things that I don't ever wanna see anybody feel, not even my worst enemy. My mom started her chemotherapy three weeks ago, it was something she never wanted, I remember her saying "If I ever get cancer, I don't want chemotherapy" and now well, she's having chemotherapy.
I haven't really talk about this to anybody, only two of my friends know it, and they have been so supportive, always asking me how I feel, how's my mom and stuff like that, and I can't even say it out loud, I don't know why, it's like if I say it then it becomes real. I wish I could talk about it to someone, anyone... but I can't even reach out to my brother and I get it, he's scared, he doesn't know what to do and he needs me, the stronger version of me.
My dad is so worried, he doesn't know how to be without my mom, they started dating in high school, so that's like 30 years together, they were 16. She's such a big part of his life and I know he's suffering, he doesn't really gets what my mom is feeling and that only makes everything worst.
I'm writing this because yesterday my mom had a session and the doctor told us that she not only has cancer, she has terminal cancer, which means that if this treatment doesn't work, it may be the end of it. I believe I'm still in shock, I don't even have words to describe it.
This past days have been so hard for not only me, my entire family is devastated. Every second of the day I'm thinking about it, like literally. What if I'm not around and something happens? what if the treatment doesn't work? This is not just someone with cancer, this is my mom, dying, suffering, and I can't do anything to help her, I wish I had some magic words to make it all go away.
