First writing of the year.

Haven't been here since last year.... bad joke, I know. I'm stupid, I'm sorry.

How is 2015 looking so far? Mine seem to have started the way 2014 went on for the last month, I feel like a truck crushed me and someone tried to put me back together, but with some missing pieces and not everything its in it's place. It might not be clear or make a lot of sense, trust me, even for me it feel confusing.

Someone once told me that one of the reasons to keep going is love and when love is lost you have to rely on everything else, leaving a door open so it can return and make you happy again but what if love is not lost but still refuses to get in? what do you do then, because it freaking hurts as hell and it surely makes you feel like the world is pointless. What if love feels obligated to be inside when all it wants is to see the world and be free... nobody told me what to do in that situation. I'm sorry about the obvious depressive state that I might put you in, but as Olly Murs would say: Dear Darling please excuse my writing. 

That last weeks of 2014 were supposed to be the most exciting and happy ever, I was supposed to feel complete, with my family, my boyfriend, my career, and university finally over but instead it turned out to be one of the saddest, loneliest moments of my life. All I did was crying, fighting with the people I love and pushing everyone away from me, because I, apparently, hate being happy.

I feel like I screwed up every good thing and the ones that I didn't ruined, were also screwed up by life. So yeah, 2014 was not my best year. And the 3 days that 2015 has giving me so far, haven't been so good either. I even got mad at God for all the things happening around, but obviously is not really his fault, I just need someone to blame. 

I'm hoping for a much better year this time, I got some huge changes ahead of me and some big important life changing decisions to make and I'm hoping to know how to chose this time. Technically I should be ready but I don't feel quite there yet, only time will tell. 

Currently

I was gonna write a very dumb thing, well I will write a very dumb thing but right now I kinda need to type about me. Trust me, this is not me talking about how awesome I am, is more meaninfull...

Lately I've been feeling that something is wrong with me, the confidence that I always have is gone or something like that, I feel empty, alone, heartbroken and I don't know how to fix myself, it's like everything I was a month ago is just gone, all the things that I just to care about lost the importance that they had. I don't really understand what happened, one day I just woke up feeling like this.

I've come to realize that this year's Christmas could be the last one that I spend with my mom, that this New Year could be the last one that I'll start next to her, that she may never cook a family meal, and I never really valued all the little things she used to do, I never imagined that she wouldn't be here. I'm living with this constant fear of losing her, I don't even wanna go out with my friends because I feel like I have no time to waste and every second counts. She told me today that she wanted to see her brothers in case she won't have another chance and even though I hate that idea, she's right, I need to live every day thinking it may be her last and that fucking feeling is the worst thing ever, I seriously won't want anybody feeling like that, not even my worst enemy.



This was probably one of the hardest years I've ever had, I got my heart broken, I lost a very important person over some stupid fight, my mom, lots of dramas, things just keep getting worst and worst and while I'm trying to fix some things, new troubles appear and everything get so complicated. Sometimes it doesn't even makes sense, I don't know how things got this bad.

The Big C

Hi,

This C is more personal, harder to understand, harder to live with...

This is how it goes,

a couple months ago my mom started to feel a lot of pain on her back, but we didn't pay to much attention, she took some painkillers and that was it. Then a month and a half ago, the pain was getting worst and worst, so we went to see a doctor, he gave her more painkillers and told her to get some x-ray, so she did it, and the results were strange... So the doctor order more things, and we got a result, probably the worst result ever, my mom, the most important person in my life, was diagnosed with cancer.

At first I was so scared, I cried every night for two weeks, the idea of losing her, of my mom dying ... I felt things that I don't ever wanna see anybody feel, not even my worst enemy. My mom started her chemotherapy three weeks ago, it was something she never wanted,  I remember her saying "If I ever get cancer, I don't want chemotherapy" and now well, she's having chemotherapy.

I haven't really talk about this to anybody, only two of my friends know it, and they have been so supportive,   always asking me how I feel, how's my mom and stuff like that, and I can't even say it out loud, I don't know why, it's like if I say it then it becomes real. I wish I could talk about it to someone, anyone... but I can't even reach out to my brother and I get it, he's scared, he doesn't know what to do and he needs me, the stronger version of me.

My dad is so worried, he doesn't know how to be without my mom, they started dating in high school, so that's like 30 years together, they were 16. She's such a big part of his life and I know he's suffering, he doesn't really gets what my mom is feeling and that only makes everything worst.

I'm writing this because yesterday my mom had a session and the doctor told us that she not only has cancer, she has terminal cancer, which means that if this treatment doesn't work, it may be the end of it. I believe I'm still in shock, I don't even have words to describe it.

This past days have been so hard for not only me, my entire family is devastated. Every second of the day I'm thinking about it, like literally. What if I'm not around and something happens? what if the treatment doesn't work? This is not just someone with cancer, this is my mom, dying, suffering, and I can't do anything to help her, I wish I had some magic words to make it all go away.