Update.

I wanna say that I have a good reason to leave my blog in the dark but in reality, I don't even have a bad one.

You know how some times you just need to have time alone and think about your life and just figure what to do? Well, that's not my case either. Truth is I haven't feel the need to write about things in general but today is a really crappy day and well, I like to write my issues away.

Between a weird family, a not so great boyfriend and a lot of Harry Styles fan fiction, I think I may need medication or just time off. See, the thing is my life was going just great and I just blink and every single thing went to hell. My parents suddenly decided to get a divorce, my brother went mad and decided he hates college and doesn't know what to do with his life, my boyfriend is acting like a dickhead (if you're 17 or less, pretend I wrote dumbass so it doesn't sound as bad) and my thesis degree is not going well at all. I'm a total mess.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life can be shit but even when things get hard there is always something that can make your day better, to me that thing is writing but to other it can be sports or music. Whatever it is just go and do it and don't let life take your happiness away, For the record I did not planned for this to become an inspirational post, it just happened.

So, while I fix my life and get every piece in order maybe I should just write about the actual good things that are happening instead of writing all the bad and leave the happy memories in my head. After all, who like reading depressing stuff? Not even Bella Swan, and God knows that poor girl was always sad.


Love,

J.


Ps. Yes, my name starts with a J.  

First writing of the year.

Haven't been here since last year.... bad joke, I know. I'm stupid, I'm sorry.

How is 2015 looking so far? Mine seem to have started the way 2014 went on for the last month, I feel like a truck crushed me and someone tried to put me back together, but with some missing pieces and not everything its in it's place. It might not be clear or make a lot of sense, trust me, even for me it feel confusing.

Someone once told me that one of the reasons to keep going is love and when love is lost you have to rely on everything else, leaving a door open so it can return and make you happy again but what if love is not lost but still refuses to get in? what do you do then, because it freaking hurts as hell and it surely makes you feel like the world is pointless. What if love feels obligated to be inside when all it wants is to see the world and be free... nobody told me what to do in that situation. I'm sorry about the obvious depressive state that I might put you in, but as Olly Murs would say: Dear Darling please excuse my writing. 

That last weeks of 2014 were supposed to be the most exciting and happy ever, I was supposed to feel complete, with my family, my boyfriend, my career, and university finally over but instead it turned out to be one of the saddest, loneliest moments of my life. All I did was crying, fighting with the people I love and pushing everyone away from me, because I, apparently, hate being happy.

I feel like I screwed up every good thing and the ones that I didn't ruined, were also screwed up by life. So yeah, 2014 was not my best year. And the 3 days that 2015 has giving me so far, haven't been so good either. I even got mad at God for all the things happening around, but obviously is not really his fault, I just need someone to blame. 

I'm hoping for a much better year this time, I got some huge changes ahead of me and some big important life changing decisions to make and I'm hoping to know how to chose this time. Technically I should be ready but I don't feel quite there yet, only time will tell. 

Choices

There is always one point in our lives, that exact moment when we need to be quite, breath in and move on. It might not be easy or not even what we want, but it's always what we need, what can make us have a better life.  We have this moments everyday, what are we having for dinner? where are we going? ... Yes all of that is necessary but is not what this is about. There has to be deeper stuff, emotional moments, radical times when everything we know blows up and we need  to decide what to do next. 

Common believe says that destiny will tell us what's the next step but, destiny is not written by the bigger power, whatever that is for every single one of us, destiny has to be created by every second we live in complete happiness or total sorrow, because at the end of the day, when we're ready to go to bed feeling warm and safe, everything that we went through is just worth it... and that is destiny. 

The different paths we might find ahead of us are just part of the life full of surprises that is expecting us, that one life we got to enjoy every little thing, feel the greatest things and cry about the saddest moments, we can decide which one we want and no matter how hard it gets, there is always hope to help us get to the next station. It's not enough to talk about it and then wait around for things to appear, even when we think we have all figured it out, paths can be tricky and part of growing up means being prepared for whatever comes, god or bad.

Our choices don't defined who we are inside, those actions are just part of the learning we are supposed to get and no school is gonna tell us how to be ready for them, I guess that's all we have at the end, the decisions we made during the short time we get to actually live. We see people suffering everyday, regreting every step they give, believing that life has some hold on them that won't let them carry on, when in reality they are not strong enough to accept how screwed their lifes are because of what they chose, because of the path they took. It's not wrong to be wrong but it is wrong to regret the things you did or said, after all no one can really tell us what to do.

Somehow life has a way to push us and take us to the side we need to walk on, people that come into our tiny personal universe, every university class we ever take, the things our parents used to tell us, those details are there for reasons that we never see clearly but at the same thing all of them take us to the next step. Imagine having one love, the biggest one of all, the one that makes you feel like you're licing a fairytale, and now imagine losing it... feeling lost and broken, staying in bed crying night after night, those feeling can either make you take bad decisions or chosing to be better, to prove the one that got away the things that he is missing out.  Those paths are the ones we should look carefully and then walk on them like every step is the last one we'll ever walk.

Thinking back, reading all those past chapters of life and feeling all those things we once felt, that's the moment when we can look back and decide if we have lived an amazing life of if we have chosed all the wrong stuff and only then we can look forward and truly decide to get even better, to fix all the wrong or to share all the good. But we can never forget that every rock we hit and every flower we smell is making us the person we are.

So far so probably maybe good.

I ask myself if the colours around me are good enough, if the sunset is what I need to delete everything and start over but his tones don't always look good enough, they don't always feel like the end of the day, I'm quite possitive about how the sunset should be a warning about the hours I have left and still I just stare at it asking for better colours. 

Maybe that's what makes me different from everyone and maybe that's what makes me as ordinary as anyone else. People need to ask for better colours otherwise they make a monotonous and pointless life not evey body does it and I believe that's why people gets bored of their lifes and kill themselves. I'm not thinking about killing myself, at least not at this moment so I guess the sunset gave me the exact colours I was looking for.

I can't stop myself from thinking if this story will repeat itself every day, if the red, yellow and orange will always be as perfect as I saw them today and the truth is maybe not, that's why I keep asking for brighter colours with perfect shades created by the clouds and maybe a drop of rain, just one so I don't have to repaint the rainbow, after all I've never really liked those colours.

                                                            Acapulco, my one true love.    

One million nights

A lot has happened, millions of things to say. It all began a bit more than a month ago but it feels like  a life time, like two old souls finding each other after looking for a million nights just to hold their hearts and share a bit of time.

The first night together was a complete rush, a sweet cold going trough their spine making her feel alive like never before. The perfect company he creates, the warm hug and the spontaneous kiss can give her a reason to live, a reason to start all over and fall in love one last time. This first night, this perfect first night will live in her memory for as long as the sun lives to give heat to the world. Maybe that way, the next time they see each other things can be different, maybe they'll try to find time on every corner of the world just to be together one more second.

Loving him is not always easy, there is always a fear, a constant reminder of his expiration date. How can her soul let him in? how can she fall in love with him knowing the days they have left...? Loving him is like smelling the first flower that comes to alive on spring, like feeling the first drop of rain touching her skin, loving him can only bring good to her, loving him... Loving him is the best thing that's ever happened to her. Perhaps that's the reason why the expiration date is not that important.

There was a second time, a second chance for their souls to conect. Her's is stubborn and spoiled, loving and caring, his, on the other hand, is smart and thoughtful, he knows how to love in the most amazing way giving everything and taking nothing back. His soul and heart are the two things she wants to know, she wants to fall in love so deep so nothing can make her unfall from it and still during this second time, her soul was distant, not sure why but she needed to come back and tell herself things were real, she couldn't believe things could be so perfect so she pulled away for a minute and considered everything just to find herself even more in love than the last time. 

She feels happy, every bone on her body is full with love, love that he inspires just by looking into her eyes. 

Their story is just starting but somehow it feels like its already a million nights old, sometimes it feels like he already knew her, sometimes she feels like they met before in the middle of a dream or maybe in another life. The truth is finding a soul like his doesn't happen so often and once you have it you should never let him go, losing him may be the worst imaginable thing... 

Deep.

It's hard to focus on something when an image is stuck in your head, mine has a million things inside but the most important one is a pair of eyes that have made me smile since the first time I saw them. There is something I don't quite get, I keep trying to understand how he can just look at me and say all those things without saying anything at all, he has that kind of look... the one that says it all just by staring.

Try to imagine a mirror that lets you see deep into your soul, a white page that writes itself when you touch it and tells you what you need to know... that's what I feel whenever he looks at me, I don't even know what is he thinking but I get this feeling, as if he could see every detail, every thought, maybe he can, maybe not...

I have issues.

There is a moment in every writer's life when the words are stuck in our heads, at least I hope I'm not the only one with this particular issue. The ideas seem to be blurry, all the letters are just floating around with no order, basically we just can't write anything with an actual path. 

Writing is what I do, what I truly love to do and when this part of my life is blocked that means something bigger is wrong. Right now my only problem is that I have no clue on what that could be, yes I am going on crazy mode. Usually when I see a white page, my head just starts to send words, everything comes out so easy, what makes me wonder if I'm writing about the correct subject. How can it be possible that I can write about not being able to write and the minute I try to type about my life, every single thought fades away?

I should just lay on the floor and close my eyes, breath and stop thinking. I believe in destiny and maybe I'm just not supposed to write about some stuff, I should keep it to myself and just never write it down. 

The one when he makes me cry.

Not literally. He only knows how to make me feel happy, the happiest ever.

I have pages and pages written inside my head, ready to come out and be read but maybe I don't want them to see the light since I'm taking forever to actually write them. The thing is everytime I try to tell a story about how amazing his eyes looked or how soft his lips were on that particular day, he does something new and a new page is ready to born, so now I just need to write for hours to get everything out.

Maybe if I start from the actual beggining things will make more sense. Now, I just need to figure it out, when did everything actually started... Was it the night he told me he wanted a kiss? was it the day I first saw him? or maybe the first time we hold hands... Well this is awkward, I don't even know. All I know is apparently nothing. (Takes a break to ask him if he knows when it all started.. shocking news: He is not sure either. Goes back to the keyboard. Goes to whatsapp to do some research... research gives kinda of an answer) So on January 25 he said he wanted a kiss just because and maybe that was the start, I can't really tell, it just happened.

Imagine having someone that makes your life easier, that makes you feel safe, happy, loved... that's him, and that's one of the reasons why I don't really mind knowing when it actually started, I'm staying with January 28, the day we had our first kiss, the most perfect first kiss I've ever had. (Takes a break again to talk about importan dates... figures out dates and goes back to typing. God I have such a weird way of writing, Focus!)  That day he somehow managed to make me feel like the world around me didn't care anymore, all of the drama, every sad storie, all of the sad songs were just gone, and all I needed to think about was him at that moment.

I don't wanna write every detail about him, that would just mean I wanna share him with the rest of the world, I wanna keep him private, as if I could call him mine. So much has happened, I have so much to say and still I've been trying to finish this page for the last four hours, why is it so hard to find the proper words to describe him and everything he does? Maybe there is no such words, maybe I need to create new ones to tell the world how wonderful he is.

Meaty, tantalizingly addictive kisses.

I keep writing about him in every piece of paper I come close to, like an idea that my mind keeps repeating with the hope that it will last forever. Watching him makes me feel happy, the world stops and it's just him in front of me with those perfect green eyes.

I tell myself I should stop, stop thinking, writing, dreaming and obviously myself and I are two different people and I don't listen to myself. That does not have any sense. What I meant was this: I wanna stop thinking about him so I don't fall for him and at the same time it's like I'm already lost. It happened so fast, and to be honest it kinda scares me a little bit. I keep wondering how can I care so much about some guy I just met, I still have no answer.

He makes it kinda hard to stay away, add that to me wanting to be with him and you'll hace chaos. We just don't fight it... that's not true, he does resist a little, but I have my ways. I don't care, I want to make sure that every second next to him is written in my memory, I never want to forget the way he talks or how he laughs too loud, his little words, those really big hands that can squeeze mine, but most of all I never wanna forget him.

I can't even find the right words to describe how I feel, it's so simple and so hard at the same time, he's becoming a huge part of my life way too fast and way too strong. How does he even do that? How does anyone gets into my life and becomes one of the biggest parts? Finding some one like him was so hard and yet caring about him has been so easy.