I was gonna write a very dumb thing, well I will write a very dumb thing but right now I kinda need to type about me. Trust me, this is not me talking about how awesome I am, is more meaninfull...
Lately I've been feeling that something is wrong with me, the confidence that I always have is gone or something like that, I feel empty, alone, heartbroken and I don't know how to fix myself, it's like everything I was a month ago is just gone, all the things that I just to care about lost the importance that they had. I don't really understand what happened, one day I just woke up feeling like this.
I've come to realize that this year's Christmas could be the last one that I spend with my mom, that this New Year could be the last one that I'll start next to her, that she may never cook a family meal, and I never really valued all the little things she used to do, I never imagined that she wouldn't be here. I'm living with this constant fear of losing her, I don't even wanna go out with my friends because I feel like I have no time to waste and every second counts. She told me today that she wanted to see her brothers in case she won't have another chance and even though I hate that idea, she's right, I need to live every day thinking it may be her last and that fucking feeling is the worst thing ever, I seriously won't want anybody feeling like that, not even my worst enemy.
This was probably one of the hardest years I've ever had, I got my heart broken, I lost a very important person over some stupid fight, my mom, lots of dramas, things just keep getting worst and worst and while I'm trying to fix some things, new troubles appear and everything get so complicated. Sometimes it doesn't even makes sense, I don't know how things got this bad.
Thursday 27 December 2012
Saturday 22 December 2012
Lego house
"I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house, if things go wrong we can knock it down" - Lego house by Ed Sheeran
If things were that easy I probably wouldn't be writing this blog. And yes I know the song is actually a love song, but I'm just talking about that particular phrase. My blog may be about stupid things like team work and boys, but that's because I needed a place to put those simple things down and actually focus on the hard ones, that way I don't lose my mind.
Sometimes I do wish I could just restart everything, sadly I can't. Life is getting so serious and intense, no more games, no more "I'll do it later", and to be honest it's scary, very scary.
When I was younger I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and now I have no freaking idea, my mind just forgot every plan I had and decided I have to start over. Maybe the plans I had before weren't the best, but at least I had an idea of what I wanted my life to be. It was all very simple, college, get a job that I loved no matter what, live in the city of my dreams, find a great guy and that was it but no, what was I thinking? of curse that wasn't going to work, my head decided that's not good enough.
Maybe this change is supposed to let me know something, like maybe it's not my mind that just forgot about previous plans, maybe I've changed and I need to realize that what I wanted 4 years ago it's not what I need right now or maybe I was just too dumb to make a good plan and that's why it all sounds so stupid. Whatever the reason is, I know I have to find a new plan, and it has to be quick.
If things were that easy I probably wouldn't be writing this blog. And yes I know the song is actually a love song, but I'm just talking about that particular phrase. My blog may be about stupid things like team work and boys, but that's because I needed a place to put those simple things down and actually focus on the hard ones, that way I don't lose my mind.
Sometimes I do wish I could just restart everything, sadly I can't. Life is getting so serious and intense, no more games, no more "I'll do it later", and to be honest it's scary, very scary.
When I was younger I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life and now I have no freaking idea, my mind just forgot every plan I had and decided I have to start over. Maybe the plans I had before weren't the best, but at least I had an idea of what I wanted my life to be. It was all very simple, college, get a job that I loved no matter what, live in the city of my dreams, find a great guy and that was it but no, what was I thinking? of curse that wasn't going to work, my head decided that's not good enough.
Maybe this change is supposed to let me know something, like maybe it's not my mind that just forgot about previous plans, maybe I've changed and I need to realize that what I wanted 4 years ago it's not what I need right now or maybe I was just too dumb to make a good plan and that's why it all sounds so stupid. Whatever the reason is, I know I have to find a new plan, and it has to be quick.
Dance with me
Today I feel like writing about other than me, other than my usual drama, so I'm gonna try very poorly to explain a feeling that I believe we've all had at one point of our lifes, and it's actually a very simple feeling, very common.
There's always a moment in life when you heard something or listen to something and it just stays with you forever, it may be a song, a phrase, I don't know, maybe you see a piece of street art, or read some words on a book. The point is that whenever you find something that clicks with you, from that moment and maybe for the rest of your life, it's going to make you think, feel, react... And that feeling, is quite different from everything else.
Let me explain myself a little bit better, a while ago I heard a song, "The Dance" by Westlife, and yes I know it cheesy and a pop band and all of that crap, but the thing is, that song, the music, the lyrics, it just reminds me of every person, every thing, that I've ever lost, friends, ex boyfriends... It doesn't make me miss them, it just reminds me of the time when I was happy with them, they way I believed everything was going so well, and how it all ended. "Our lifes are better left to chance, I could've miss the pain, but I'd have to miss the dance" ... they're not talking about a dance, they're talking about time spent with other person, just enjoying it, and how that actually brought them pain but at the end of the day it was all worth it.
That feeling of reminding things while listening to the song, makes the song important in my life. It doesn't really matter who the artist is, whether I heard the song is live or recorded, none of that matters because the song is the important part, just the music mixed with the lyrics. I don't know if I'm being clear or not, it's kinda hard to explain. Maybe if you listen to the song you'll get it.
That same feeling comes to me whenever I see a movie, a picture, read a poem and even with another song, I won't talk about every single one of it because I'll be stuck here writing an entire book, but after a lot of thinking I came to the conclusion that the feeling those things give me it's impossible to explain, I also didn't realize that until I started writing this. It's a state in which I'm not sad, not happy, but kinda in between those two, maybe it's melancholy, maybe it's named peace I just don't know. Please if anyone of you know how to explain this better, let me know.
I strongly believe, better said I want to believe that all of us have felt like that at one point of our lifes, and if not then it is just a shame, because it's actually a very nice feeling, and not a lot of things can actually cause it, I think it depends of the every one of us and the things we like or maybe it depends of the moment when you need to feel like that and the song, painting, movie... just happens to be there.
There's always a moment in life when you heard something or listen to something and it just stays with you forever, it may be a song, a phrase, I don't know, maybe you see a piece of street art, or read some words on a book. The point is that whenever you find something that clicks with you, from that moment and maybe for the rest of your life, it's going to make you think, feel, react... And that feeling, is quite different from everything else.
Let me explain myself a little bit better, a while ago I heard a song, "The Dance" by Westlife, and yes I know it cheesy and a pop band and all of that crap, but the thing is, that song, the music, the lyrics, it just reminds me of every person, every thing, that I've ever lost, friends, ex boyfriends... It doesn't make me miss them, it just reminds me of the time when I was happy with them, they way I believed everything was going so well, and how it all ended. "Our lifes are better left to chance, I could've miss the pain, but I'd have to miss the dance" ... they're not talking about a dance, they're talking about time spent with other person, just enjoying it, and how that actually brought them pain but at the end of the day it was all worth it.
That feeling of reminding things while listening to the song, makes the song important in my life. It doesn't really matter who the artist is, whether I heard the song is live or recorded, none of that matters because the song is the important part, just the music mixed with the lyrics. I don't know if I'm being clear or not, it's kinda hard to explain. Maybe if you listen to the song you'll get it.
That same feeling comes to me whenever I see a movie, a picture, read a poem and even with another song, I won't talk about every single one of it because I'll be stuck here writing an entire book, but after a lot of thinking I came to the conclusion that the feeling those things give me it's impossible to explain, I also didn't realize that until I started writing this. It's a state in which I'm not sad, not happy, but kinda in between those two, maybe it's melancholy, maybe it's named peace I just don't know. Please if anyone of you know how to explain this better, let me know.
I strongly believe, better said I want to believe that all of us have felt like that at one point of our lifes, and if not then it is just a shame, because it's actually a very nice feeling, and not a lot of things can actually cause it, I think it depends of the every one of us and the things we like or maybe it depends of the moment when you need to feel like that and the song, painting, movie... just happens to be there.
Friday 21 December 2012
Friday 14 December 2012
Thursday 22 November 2012
The Big C
Hi,
This C is more personal, harder to understand, harder to live with...
This is how it goes,
a couple months ago my mom started to feel a lot of pain on her back, but we didn't pay to much attention, she took some painkillers and that was it. Then a month and a half ago, the pain was getting worst and worst, so we went to see a doctor, he gave her more painkillers and told her to get some x-ray, so she did it, and the results were strange... So the doctor order more things, and we got a result, probably the worst result ever, my mom, the most important person in my life, was diagnosed with cancer.
At first I was so scared, I cried every night for two weeks, the idea of losing her, of my mom dying ... I felt things that I don't ever wanna see anybody feel, not even my worst enemy. My mom started her chemotherapy three weeks ago, it was something she never wanted, I remember her saying "If I ever get cancer, I don't want chemotherapy" and now well, she's having chemotherapy.
I haven't really talk about this to anybody, only two of my friends know it, and they have been so supportive, always asking me how I feel, how's my mom and stuff like that, and I can't even say it out loud, I don't know why, it's like if I say it then it becomes real. I wish I could talk about it to someone, anyone... but I can't even reach out to my brother and I get it, he's scared, he doesn't know what to do and he needs me, the stronger version of me.
My dad is so worried, he doesn't know how to be without my mom, they started dating in high school, so that's like 30 years together, they were 16. She's such a big part of his life and I know he's suffering, he doesn't really gets what my mom is feeling and that only makes everything worst.
I'm writing this because yesterday my mom had a session and the doctor told us that she not only has cancer, she has terminal cancer, which means that if this treatment doesn't work, it may be the end of it. I believe I'm still in shock, I don't even have words to describe it.
This past days have been so hard for not only me, my entire family is devastated. Every second of the day I'm thinking about it, like literally. What if I'm not around and something happens? what if the treatment doesn't work? This is not just someone with cancer, this is my mom, dying, suffering, and I can't do anything to help her, I wish I had some magic words to make it all go away.
This C is more personal, harder to understand, harder to live with...
This is how it goes,
a couple months ago my mom started to feel a lot of pain on her back, but we didn't pay to much attention, she took some painkillers and that was it. Then a month and a half ago, the pain was getting worst and worst, so we went to see a doctor, he gave her more painkillers and told her to get some x-ray, so she did it, and the results were strange... So the doctor order more things, and we got a result, probably the worst result ever, my mom, the most important person in my life, was diagnosed with cancer.
At first I was so scared, I cried every night for two weeks, the idea of losing her, of my mom dying ... I felt things that I don't ever wanna see anybody feel, not even my worst enemy. My mom started her chemotherapy three weeks ago, it was something she never wanted, I remember her saying "If I ever get cancer, I don't want chemotherapy" and now well, she's having chemotherapy.
I haven't really talk about this to anybody, only two of my friends know it, and they have been so supportive, always asking me how I feel, how's my mom and stuff like that, and I can't even say it out loud, I don't know why, it's like if I say it then it becomes real. I wish I could talk about it to someone, anyone... but I can't even reach out to my brother and I get it, he's scared, he doesn't know what to do and he needs me, the stronger version of me.
My dad is so worried, he doesn't know how to be without my mom, they started dating in high school, so that's like 30 years together, they were 16. She's such a big part of his life and I know he's suffering, he doesn't really gets what my mom is feeling and that only makes everything worst.
I'm writing this because yesterday my mom had a session and the doctor told us that she not only has cancer, she has terminal cancer, which means that if this treatment doesn't work, it may be the end of it. I believe I'm still in shock, I don't even have words to describe it.
This past days have been so hard for not only me, my entire family is devastated. Every second of the day I'm thinking about it, like literally. What if I'm not around and something happens? what if the treatment doesn't work? This is not just someone with cancer, this is my mom, dying, suffering, and I can't do anything to help her, I wish I had some magic words to make it all go away.
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