What I lived while my mom was dying of cancer.

My mom was diagnosed with breast and bone cancer two days before my 21th birthday. I didn't get a big party with friends but I got to keep my mom. 

Nobody took a minute to sit and explain to me how hard will it actually be, how many things was I gonna think and how many of them would make me cry. Nobody told me that everything was going to be different, maybe not completely but different at some level. No doctor, nurse or psychologist told me that cancer doesn't just kill the person that is sick, it kills everything around it, people, pets, relationships... nobody bother into telling me that I was going to feel scared every time I have a cold, or a weird pain. 

You all might think this is a very selfish thing to be writting about but when you become the daugther of a cancer pacient and hopefully a cancer survivor, selfish is the last thing you are. I'm trying to get this out because I'm sure there are more girls like me, that know how big the risk can be and how the fear is a real thing. I'm writing this because I'm sure there is at least one girl or boy feeling the same things and can relate to me.

When the doctor told my mom, my dad and me, that she had a stage four cancer... well let's just say it doesn't really gets worst than that. I remember texting my little brother, who at the moment was only 16 years old, to let him know that it was in fact cancer. I don't think I'd ever done anything harder in my life. And the drive home is a blurr, I don't remember anything else from that day, I don't remember if we stayed at the hospital, I don't remember if we drove back right after that, I just don't remember anything. I think that was the day my mom had her firts chemotherapy, but I'm not entirely sure. 

I also can't remember how I told my friends, I can only remember that I told to my two best male friends and my best girl friend. I remember calling one of my male friends and telling him that I was sad because I didn't knew if my mom was ever gonna be there to help me get my wedding dress, or watching me graduate from university, I told him I was scared to leave my house to go to class because I didn't wanted to let her alone and that everytime I left the house I was too scare because I could only think about something bad happening and I even told him that I wanted to take a break from university to be with my mom. I can't actually remember what he answered me, but he said that things had to get better and that I shouldn't worry because he knew she would be just fine. In that moment I knew he was the greatest friend I'm ever gonna have.

The day I saw my mom losing her hair, I wanted to cry and hug her, but I knew that she needed support, so I told her some stuff about getting a pink wig and just laugh about it, I don't know if it helped but I never wanted for her to see the actual damage that her disease was causing me. She then decided to buy the most awful red haired wig ever, which she finally changed to a very pretty brunette one that I helped her pick. And I know for a fact that this moment actually helped her. 

What I'm trying to say with all of this is that, no one got me ready for this or asked how I was doing... and pitty eyes also not a very good way to help. I think every kid, teenager or even adult, should write about what this situations, to help each other... after all nobody else can get it better that another son or daugther of a cancer patient.

I really hope this helps someone, or at least make them realize that it might be hard but it eventually ends.

Love, 

J.

The Big C

Hi,

This C is more personal, harder to understand, harder to live with...

This is how it goes,

a couple months ago my mom started to feel a lot of pain on her back, but we didn't pay to much attention, she took some painkillers and that was it. Then a month and a half ago, the pain was getting worst and worst, so we went to see a doctor, he gave her more painkillers and told her to get some x-ray, so she did it, and the results were strange... So the doctor order more things, and we got a result, probably the worst result ever, my mom, the most important person in my life, was diagnosed with cancer.

At first I was so scared, I cried every night for two weeks, the idea of losing her, of my mom dying ... I felt things that I don't ever wanna see anybody feel, not even my worst enemy. My mom started her chemotherapy three weeks ago, it was something she never wanted,  I remember her saying "If I ever get cancer, I don't want chemotherapy" and now well, she's having chemotherapy.

I haven't really talk about this to anybody, only two of my friends know it, and they have been so supportive,   always asking me how I feel, how's my mom and stuff like that, and I can't even say it out loud, I don't know why, it's like if I say it then it becomes real. I wish I could talk about it to someone, anyone... but I can't even reach out to my brother and I get it, he's scared, he doesn't know what to do and he needs me, the stronger version of me.

My dad is so worried, he doesn't know how to be without my mom, they started dating in high school, so that's like 30 years together, they were 16. She's such a big part of his life and I know he's suffering, he doesn't really gets what my mom is feeling and that only makes everything worst.

I'm writing this because yesterday my mom had a session and the doctor told us that she not only has cancer, she has terminal cancer, which means that if this treatment doesn't work, it may be the end of it. I believe I'm still in shock, I don't even have words to describe it.

This past days have been so hard for not only me, my entire family is devastated. Every second of the day I'm thinking about it, like literally. What if I'm not around and something happens? what if the treatment doesn't work? This is not just someone with cancer, this is my mom, dying, suffering, and I can't do anything to help her, I wish I had some magic words to make it all go away.