What I lived while my mom was dying of cancer.

My mom was diagnosed with breast and bone cancer two days before my 21th birthday. I didn't get a big party with friends but I got to keep my mom. 

Nobody took a minute to sit and explain to me how hard will it actually be, how many things was I gonna think and how many of them would make me cry. Nobody told me that everything was going to be different, maybe not completely but different at some level. No doctor, nurse or psychologist told me that cancer doesn't just kill the person that is sick, it kills everything around it, people, pets, relationships... nobody bother into telling me that I was going to feel scared every time I have a cold, or a weird pain. 

You all might think this is a very selfish thing to be writting about but when you become the daugther of a cancer pacient and hopefully a cancer survivor, selfish is the last thing you are. I'm trying to get this out because I'm sure there are more girls like me, that know how big the risk can be and how the fear is a real thing. I'm writing this because I'm sure there is at least one girl or boy feeling the same things and can relate to me.

When the doctor told my mom, my dad and me, that she had a stage four cancer... well let's just say it doesn't really gets worst than that. I remember texting my little brother, who at the moment was only 16 years old, to let him know that it was in fact cancer. I don't think I'd ever done anything harder in my life. And the drive home is a blurr, I don't remember anything else from that day, I don't remember if we stayed at the hospital, I don't remember if we drove back right after that, I just don't remember anything. I think that was the day my mom had her firts chemotherapy, but I'm not entirely sure. 

I also can't remember how I told my friends, I can only remember that I told to my two best male friends and my best girl friend. I remember calling one of my male friends and telling him that I was sad because I didn't knew if my mom was ever gonna be there to help me get my wedding dress, or watching me graduate from university, I told him I was scared to leave my house to go to class because I didn't wanted to let her alone and that everytime I left the house I was too scare because I could only think about something bad happening and I even told him that I wanted to take a break from university to be with my mom. I can't actually remember what he answered me, but he said that things had to get better and that I shouldn't worry because he knew she would be just fine. In that moment I knew he was the greatest friend I'm ever gonna have.

The day I saw my mom losing her hair, I wanted to cry and hug her, but I knew that she needed support, so I told her some stuff about getting a pink wig and just laugh about it, I don't know if it helped but I never wanted for her to see the actual damage that her disease was causing me. She then decided to buy the most awful red haired wig ever, which she finally changed to a very pretty brunette one that I helped her pick. And I know for a fact that this moment actually helped her. 

What I'm trying to say with all of this is that, no one got me ready for this or asked how I was doing... and pitty eyes also not a very good way to help. I think every kid, teenager or even adult, should write about what this situations, to help each other... after all nobody else can get it better that another son or daugther of a cancer patient.

I really hope this helps someone, or at least make them realize that it might be hard but it eventually ends.

Love, 

J.

That Lifelong Enigma, Re-Examined: Can Guys And Girls Be Just Friends?

No, Guys and girls can't be friends because one of them will always have feelings towards the other, society said. I believe something different.

There are quite a lot of guys that I see just as friends and that see me exactly like that, a friend. We can hug, we have road trips, we celebrate birthdays with midnight calls, we do chessy stuff to make the other one smile, we can spend the night on the same house and they would be as disgusted as my brother would be.

I know this can be seen as a weird platonic relationship, but it is the opposite of that, you just have to be clear about every step you take with the other person. Let's say a girl holds a guy's hand and flirts, that's a no for the "we are just friends" zone. Now let's imagine a guy that thinks some girl is the prettiest of the city, another big no. This is why girls get so pissed when their boyfriends have best girl friends, we see things, we know how does a girl with a crush acts, they should listen to us more often,

My friends are guys that, yes they might be cute but I can only see them as the silly idiotic guys they are.

Besides, falling for someone does not necessarily means you have contact with the person every day or almost every day. I talk to my boyfriend almost everyday, I'm madly in love with him and he doesn't feel the same way, now that I think about it maybe I should ask his ex girlfriend what does it feels to have his unconditional love, but that's out of subjetc. The point is that spending time with a guy every day, having dinner with him, going to the movies, does not mean you are in love, it just means he is a really good friend that likes spending time with you. The reality of falling in love is cruel and once you're out of it, is somehow a lie. Love makes the other person perfect and friends don't look like a perfect Ken doll.

There are a few rules that can help you keep a friend as just a friend with no feelings for you, and even as we all know that friendships are more free, having boundaries is never a bad idea.

If your friend, girl or boy, starts to feel like a romantic situation might actually happen between the two, then you must give her/him space, no text, no "let's go get a coffe" dates, no more spending the day together, just space and time, maybe not years but a month is a good start and then you can start catching up, if those feeling are still there, then you can't be just friends and one part will be hurt somehow.

If you're the one having feelings, oh baby you need to step away, better now while you're in one piece than later with tears and a heartbreak.

I can say friendship between a men and a women is possible, because I have one, and it is the best friendship I can even think of. He is about two years older, he is one of my role models, we can talk for hours, we can eat a huge entire chocolate cake together, we miss each other, we love each other, my parents adore him, my brother thinks he is the only cool guy I know and he is also as disgusting as the idea of kissing my brother. 

He, on the other hand is a ladies guy and has one night stands every 10 nights a week, and is not really into the romantic monogamy relationship like I am, obviously I should reconsider that since I have a broken heart even when I feel in love. He sees me as a confident and although he doesn't gives much details about the girls the hooks up with (Thank God, I don't need to know that stuff) he does tells me when it happen and it is always about me telling him to stop doing it. 

I love what we have, it allow us to see the other gender perspective and it is refreshing, all girls or all boys can be tiring. 

I think the most important thing about having a guy/girl friend is that they should never be some one that you use, if the other person has feelings then talk and explain, put some space and don't act like nothing happened, but don't ever take advantage of those out of context feelings. Remember that a real friend is worth so much and finding them is extremely difficult.

New begginings.

A lot has happened since my last visit to this place, big changes and new things, old friends and new hopes. To be honest I never thought I could renew my life so fast and still I'm here smiling because of this new pair of green eyes.

Now before I actually start I must say  I've never been happier in my life therefor this was not planned and maybe that's what makes it so special. The idea of a person that can make me feel like he's always been there, like I can fully trust him and that is by far the best feeling I've had in a long time. He's a big deal, Sadly, I know I can only have him for six short months. This is the part that makes me wanna hold my distance but apparently I'm not any good at it. 

His name is not the important part, neither his hair colour or the way it never looks undone. He knows how to make me smile, and he does this cute things that I will keep with me forever. Maybe I wanna see light in the middle of darkness or maybe he is in fact one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I don't think I can know for sure but the idea sounds like a good thing. 

People used to tell me that if I ever came across something like that I should not let it go and yet I wonder, how can you keep someone that needs to go even if he doesn't wants to? Truth is life gets in the way. I hope life can make a deal with me and allow me to keep him close for as long as he wants. I don't care if he kisses me or if he holds me, just the image of him close to me feels good. I don't mean his lips are not soft enough or his arms are not strong enough, on the contrary he could be quite perfect.

To do or not to do

One of the hardest things of being a girl is deciding who is the best match for you, it should be an easy task but the actual action of telling someone that you do in fact think he's the one can be quite scary.

As you can see, I have things going on in my head and that's why I'm trying to avoid the subject by talking about my body.

So monday is a big day, I'm not looking forward for it to arrive but I also can't avoid it. The reason why monday seems like the worst day ever to me is because I have to decide if I want someone in my life or not and  honestly feel really bad about it, I would prefer not to do it but life just won't let me. I'm not sure if you've come to realize that I do have a boyfriend and that I was having doubts about my relationship, well during winter break those questions became stronger and my head has gone crazy thinking of it.

Imagine having something good, like a candy you love, but you eat it everyday without trying any other type of sweet and one day some one offers you that candy that you've been eating for the past two months non stop and you go like "no thanks, I've have a lot of those lately" which means you have been overexposed to the candies. Well, something like that has happened to me, except I'm not refering to a candy, I'm talking about my boyfriend, yes I have boy issues.

He's not actually bad, he's just always around, like freaking always. While I'm in the shower, he's sending facebook messages, while I do my make up, he won't stop talking to me, if I go out without him knowing where to, he acts like a victim, maybe is the fact that I was so happy with my single life and having someone as a constant make me feel less in confort. He is so caring and honest and I know he'll do anything for me but  I can't be happy when he's around, the idea of him annoys me and I'm sure that makes me sound like a horrible person. And I'm pretty sure he knows.

I need advice, like right now and in order to get them I'm gonna do what I always do when I have no clue of what my life should be, go to my boy-friends and let it all out. When a boy is your best friend for four years it means that he has a lot of pattiente or that he thinks of you as a sister and thank God my best friend is like a brother. His great advice is tell him the truth as simple and clean as possible even if it hurts. I'm not so sure about that, I'd rather tell him that I'm gonna move and can't see him anymore or that my fly died and I need space but obviously that won't work. So I went to my other two best boy friends and they told me the same... apparently boys think the same and they believe honesty is the best way, even if it is cruel and awful.

So, I'm gonna do the one thing I'm not good at, I'm gonna be 100% honest. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a liar, I just act very well. I can't keep living like this, it's killing me inside and I deserve the chance to be happy and feel complete.

Just a story inside the fairy tale

Is not like I've forgotten, life just gets in the way.


I had a break up that not only ended my relationship with someone, it also broke my heart, damage a part of me. It was not my boyfriend, it was not my best friend, just a simple guy that became too much in a small amount of time. The truth is I was expecting it from a long time ago, but when it actually happened I did not know what to do, how to act or even if I could still see him walking around the same city.

It all started the day we met, I won't lie and say we instantly conect, but we did saw something in each other. He and I, both of us, felt like we could be just us and that's what we did. I can honestly say that in less that a month we were friends, we would spend all of our free time together and that felt pretty cool. Dinners, meals, breakfast, movies, ice cream, we did everything.

I won't say his name and I won't blame it on him, that would be just selfish and I don't want that.The official story is that we just started to get tired of each other, but the truth is we were getting way to close, and he decided it was better to walk away. Maybe he did the best thing, he saved us the effort and the "we're just friends" talk, which broke me a little but it also made me feel relief.

This happened more than once, I would consider that as a really stupid  way of having a relationship, but when it comes to him, it was never enough. He made me think I was wrong, I was acting like a child, imagining things and pretending to be more worried about the entire situation.

To make this story shorter, I'll just say a couple of things... We kiss, we huged, we ate, we talked, we even cooked together more than once but still we just weren't meant to be. Not a couple, not friends, just two weird people pretending to be fine.

The day we stopped talking, we said things, we didn't care about the other, we were stupid. He became a dream, and I didn't wanted to wake up. Sadly we never really had the time to fix what was fixable and things stayed broken. I remember watching him passing right next to me and feel the need to talk to him but my pride was stronger and I didn't say a word, that was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Finally the day arrived, the last day ... I wanted to be there, but he wasn't worth it, I decided not to see him and I don't know if I'm ok with my decision. He was important in a way that not a lot of people is, and now we can't even stand each other.

He was after all, one of my hardest goodbyes.