And then it hit me.

The fact that I have to live another goodbye may be the hardest things to do, I know I still have quite sometime but knowing that this particular story has an end is devastating. I've had some moments like this one before, some of them have been even harder to live and still this time it feels like too much.

I don't even know why I am thinking of it right now if I know that I still have a couple of months to get ready, to actually figure everything out how to actually stay while he goes away from me. I think I won't be able to sit in front of that face, to watch it one last time and just let it go. What's the point of getting to know him, to find out the secrets and dreams, what's the point of it all when we both know when it'll all end?

I think some questions are better without an answer, left alone not caring about them... that way you get to live without fear and sadness around. I've say this before, his smile gives me hope, hope to believe that things are good and life is enough. Maybe is the way he talks, how he reacts to every single thing around him, maybe it's just me with my silly idea of better days. Whatever it might be, I don't wanna lose it.

He's gonna be here in a few minutes, he's gonna hold me and kiss me, he's gonna see into my eyes and make me smiles just to leave in a couple of months. Is that cruel enough? Maybe, but that should not be the reason why we stop caring, that should make us stronger and allow us to give everything, to feel everything... That's why I will do the same, hold him, look into his eyes and smile at him just to tell him goodbye. Our hearts may be broken, we may don't feel a thing. We just have to wait and see.

Currently

I was gonna write a very dumb thing, well I will write a very dumb thing but right now I kinda need to type about me. Trust me, this is not me talking about how awesome I am, is more meaninfull...

Lately I've been feeling that something is wrong with me, the confidence that I always have is gone or something like that, I feel empty, alone, heartbroken and I don't know how to fix myself, it's like everything I was a month ago is just gone, all the things that I just to care about lost the importance that they had. I don't really understand what happened, one day I just woke up feeling like this.

I've come to realize that this year's Christmas could be the last one that I spend with my mom, that this New Year could be the last one that I'll start next to her, that she may never cook a family meal, and I never really valued all the little things she used to do, I never imagined that she wouldn't be here. I'm living with this constant fear of losing her, I don't even wanna go out with my friends because I feel like I have no time to waste and every second counts. She told me today that she wanted to see her brothers in case she won't have another chance and even though I hate that idea, she's right, I need to live every day thinking it may be her last and that fucking feeling is the worst thing ever, I seriously won't want anybody feeling like that, not even my worst enemy.



This was probably one of the hardest years I've ever had, I got my heart broken, I lost a very important person over some stupid fight, my mom, lots of dramas, things just keep getting worst and worst and while I'm trying to fix some things, new troubles appear and everything get so complicated. Sometimes it doesn't even makes sense, I don't know how things got this bad.

Dance with me

Today I feel like writing about other than me, other than my usual drama, so I'm gonna  try very poorly to explain a feeling that I believe we've all had at one point of our lifes, and it's actually a very simple feeling, very common.

There's always a moment in life when you heard something or listen to something and it just stays with you forever, it may be a song, a phrase, I don't know, maybe you see a piece of street art, or read some words on a book. The point is that whenever you find something that clicks with you, from that moment and maybe for the rest of your life, it's going to make you think, feel, react... And that feeling, is quite different from everything else.

Let me explain myself a little bit better, a while ago I heard a song, "The Dance" by Westlife, and yes I know it cheesy and a pop band and all of that crap, but the thing is, that song, the music, the lyrics, it just reminds me of every person, every thing, that I've ever lost, friends, ex boyfriends... It doesn't make me miss them, it just reminds me of the time when I was happy with them, they way I believed everything was going so well, and how it all ended. "Our lifes are better left to chance, I could've miss the pain, but I'd have to miss the dance"  ... they're not talking about a dance, they're talking about time spent with other person, just enjoying it, and how that actually brought them pain but at the end of the day it was all worth it.

That feeling of reminding things while listening to the song, makes the song important in my life. It doesn't really matter who the artist is, whether I heard the song is live or recorded, none of that matters because the song is the important part, just the music mixed with the lyrics. I don't know if I'm being clear or not, it's kinda hard to explain. Maybe if you listen to the song you'll get it.

That same feeling comes to me whenever I see a movie, a picture, read a poem and even with another song, I won't talk about every single one of it because I'll be stuck here writing an entire book, but after a lot of thinking I came to the conclusion that the feeling those things give me it's impossible to explain, I also didn't realize that until I started writing this. It's a state in which I'm not sad, not happy, but kinda in between those two, maybe it's melancholy, maybe it's named peace I just don't know. Please if anyone of you know how to explain this better, let me know.

I strongly believe, better said I want to believe that all of us have felt like that at one point of our lifes, and if not then it is just a shame, because it's actually a very nice feeling, and not a lot of things can actually cause it, I think it depends of the every one of us and the things we like or maybe it depends of the moment when you need to feel like that and the song, painting, movie... just happens to be there.